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THINGS LEARNED FROM THE BRADY BUNCH

Brady BunchI watched The Brady Bunch often as a kid. I loved to stay home from school because it was on from 10:00-11:00 every morning (two episodes). I’d like to offer the following things that I’ve learned from watching The Brady Bunch. See parents, TV really does help edumacate.

  • The capital of Louisiana is “Baton Rouge, Baton Rouge!” Come on, Cindy!
  • All swinging groovy guys from another high school are named Phil Packer.
  • Don’t play ball in the house.
  • If you want to kill a TV series, add a kid to the cast who looks like a miniature John Denver.
  • It is common to forgive someone who holds all or part of your family hostage.
  • When your two idiot children wander off into the Grand Canyon, the best course of action is to stand around and yell at each other. And eat beans.
  • Anyone who attends Fairview is a freak.
  • Benedict Arnold was a traitor.
  • Companies used to always send families of eight and their domestic help on all-expense paid “business” trips to Hawaii (and Cincinnati theme parks) even in the days when air travel was affordable only to the fairly well off.
  • If a football smashes into your nose, something will suddenly come up.
  • If you find money you have to split it with your sisters even though they had nothing to do with it. You also have to split the $20 reward six ways. Do the math.
  • If you’ve never won a trophy, wandering around with a bizarre goat mask on will help ease your pain.
  • All drive-in movies are westerns with the same music.
  • Astroturf needs to be mowed.
  • Nine people can fit into a station wagon comfortably.
  • American families square dance in their living rooms while dressed like Minnie Pearl.
  • Every pop music hit is basically the same jazzy song without lyrics and is groovy to dance to. Far out.
  • A shy, insecure girl who is apparently one step away from being Amish will morph overnight into a miniskirt-wearing diva with more attitude than Paris Hilton.
  • Mrs. Cunningham wasn’t just a typical ‘50’s housewife in Milwaukee. She also moonlighted as a doctor…..but only for girls.
  • If you look like Jim Backus or Vincent Price, you’re automatically immune from kidnapping charges.
  • When someone talks like a baby it is a wonder they can walk.
  • There is a lot of pre-publicity for an exhibition football game, so much that the star visiting player arrives early and gets his own office.
  • Bobby loves popcorn. Apparently, birds do not.
  • Mike Brady is not a little girl, but Mr. Hinton can handle him.
  • Beans are very popular in caves.
  • You can pay off a gambling debt with chewing gum.
  • Safe is better than Best. Or vice versa.
  • Jan’s teacher can’t add.
  • If one Brady is good, then two are better.
  • You can become a pool shark after playing for one hour.
  • Sometimes when we lose, we win.
  • You can appear on a local television station’s talent show with matching costumes (who made them??) and your parents have no idea you are on the show.
  • Your father can’t postpone his business trip to attend your high school graduation.
  • Saying the phrase “Pork Chops and Apple Sauce” in the style of Humphrey Bogart will not make you popular. It will make you a dork.
  • Faking illness is a great way to manipulate the feelings of a professional NFL athlete and get them to visit you at your bedside.
  • A vacation in Hawaii will transform your once straight hair into an afro.
  • Paranoid gold miners still exist in 1971 Arizona ghost towns.
  • Felix Brown is a creep.
  • If you happen to be the housekeeper for a large family, beware of old suitors showing up out of nowhere to wine and dine you.
  • The friendly neighborhood hardware store apparently does not stock glue strong enough to hold a ceramic vase together.
  • A 13 year old girl with braces does NOT look cute with her hair braided daily.
  • The lead role in a high school production of “Romeo and Juliet” will turn you into a diva that alienates you from your family and friends.
  • Cindy keeps forgetting that she loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
  • Freckles can be removed with lemons.
  • Your worst enemy is at the top of the crumb list.
  • Find out what you do best and do your best with it.
  • Full blown laryngitis can be healed overnight.

    Please email me at ztams@comcast.net if you have others to add to the list. Click Here to see my Brady Bunch items. Have a groovy day. Far out.

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